Happen to saw this on the net.. It's very sad and touching.. Got hubby to read together with me that time.. I cried.. like that it's something like the "P.S. i love you"
so sharing with those who are reading this blog...
Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant some greenery.Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said:"Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling. Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money,why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat the flowers!"I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better."Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: Mum,this is a city-people's habit, slowly you will get use to it." Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever I came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it." There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle. Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In her view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother's facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and is exhausted from a long day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes. From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and that resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again. One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me. I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please. In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table. The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I couldn't. I threw down the bowl and rushed into the washroom and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudlyin her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really didn't mean it. We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious , since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feelingto throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at the low point in my life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible, you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me round in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rollingdown. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight? Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her... I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if... In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother. Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all. Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart. One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heartbeat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me. That night, he did not come home, he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other. He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again everytime I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death. One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tear come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pull the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, you are pregnant?" Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me, I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but by now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated. Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother'sroom. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time; I cared for him and am concerned because there is love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing all the way till baby was born. Almost every day, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing, but none of that matters to me anymore. It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brown hair, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did? He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in, his warm eyes caused me to managed a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son, and me, his eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when did he first discover he had cancer? Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral." I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... The computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no long has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion... Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through your life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..." From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there. Hubby has also written a letter for me: "My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby... My dear,if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me... These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging..." Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter ran through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face...

Looking at the mirror now, i feel that i look like an old hag... always so tired at the end of day man..

Giselle is coming to 3 months in another 2 weeks time. Time really flies fast. Every morning when she sees me now, she will smile. Her smile really brighten my morning. (why only morning? cos if she don sleep after her morning shower, stress for me then...)Babies need at least 16 hrs of sleep for brain development and growth. sometimes i really wanna if she has enough sleep. She can be a light or heavy sleeper depending on how tired she is. sometimes even a little thud, she also wake up.

Giselle in the pic with her 2 elder cousin, Xrystal and Xander.. the 2 of them like her alot...

When Yh is not working, we usually try to go out if not i would be staying at home for the whole week. Super Sian then... The pic above was taken when we meet my sis at Taka.

Oh, some of my students drop during the June Holiday to visit me and baby. They bought this suit for Giselle. So sweet of them.

This year, is the first time i celebrated Mother's Day so does Yh, his first Father's Day. That day, we went to Sakura at Woodlands with his family. I find it so-so. would still prefer Downtown East's Sakura.

For my family, we went to vegetarian buffet at Quality Hotel. Been there a few time alreadi. Would prefer dinner but all becos of my gal, now must of the meeting have to be lunch. She din like to stay late into the night. We tried before if she stay out too long, or too late, she will cry and cry throughout. So if anyone wanna meet me, remember lunch meeting. :)

Being a Super Kiasu Mum, my house is like a store.. I stock about 16 packs of diapers.. Hahaha.. when i see that ntuc is having offer.. Must buy.. Bought M and L size to stock up... Being at home sometimes mean that i cant go out to do shopping so end up "Shop Online"..

Yh is saying that i am spending alot.. Guess i really am.. Latest item bought from the internet is this Sophie Graffie.. It's a teether..Hope Giselle like it..Mummy really spending too much money on her liao

It has been 2 weeks past since i given birth to my gal Giselle...

The contraction starts on Mon 13 Apr and and about 83o am on Tue, the doc break my water bag and the real pain came in... the pain is realli so severe, it's hard to describe. I guess oni mother will understand the pain i that i am talking about...

These 2 weeks of confinement i guess caused me into depression... first the waeather is so damn hot....how i wished that it would rain... my master bedroom is not an ideal place for confinement... in the room, there is no fan and i am not allowed to have aircon initially....

frankly speaking, i can still tahan the weather a bit but is the rash on my body that trigger the whole depression thingy... i started to develop rash the 4th day i am discharge.. it got worse as it spread from my hands to my leg to my back to my chest and to my tummy area....

imagine with the hot weather and the rash which is so itchy, how to tahan... furthermore i don usually have skin problem but this make me real sad and also the stretch marks on my tummy start to become a little itchy... i am really veri sad...

everytime when i am not feeling well, i will look at my gal.. no matter how bad mood i am she will still give me that innocent look... she will not show me any face just the cute innnocent look....

I wish YH can be more tolerant.. I don wan to talk doesnt mean that i don need him to be around... he also showed me one kind of face when i am not in the good mood... come on lor... everyday i don get to see him alot cos he is always working.. i realli don understand why he still need to run errand on weekend.. isnt ur wife more important? shouldnt u show more care and concern for her? it's really depressing.. i have not been sleeping well now cos in the daytime as the weather is too bad i cant sleep, hence no rest... when it come to nighttime, as long as i hear my gal move about i will turn and see her...now i think i end up having headache liao....

he just wont understand..... i suggested that he sleeps in the other room also fear that my gal will disturb him and he has to work also and definitely need plenty of rest...

Luckily, i still have my sis who is there to always console me and talk to me.. she keep telling me to be strong cos she understands the pain and depression that i am going through....

Actually, i pity my mom who has to tolerate my bad mood everyday.. she has been veri tolerant towards me.. my dad too.... although i would complain and complain and show my bad temper, they still patiently do everything for me and my gal.. Realli thanks alot... Although i don don say anything deep down inside i realli appreciate the things that they have done for me...

Time begin i guess i realli don wan to see any vistors until the baby full month celebration... cos i realli don have the mood to entertain them and i realli don feel like seeing any one except my sis (at least she is someone that i can turn to...)

It's a long long time since we have any picnic with my relatives... While my mom called me on 5 April morning saying that she will be going picnic with relatives and asked if i wanna come along... Sis is going too... so i agree..
Quite a number of them went... Guess the children have enjoyed themselves... Years years ago. our parents always organised picnic with the relatives and we always played with my cousins.. Nowadays everyone grow up and is busy with work or children. We hardly have the time to meet... Guess this picnic really let us catch up with the old times....

Some pics from the gathering....

4 April is my mom bday... but as bro has to work on that day, we celebrated it earlier...

Since me and my sis has given the bday gift to her earlier, the expensive LV bag, Dad said that he will pay for the dinner...

It's also not cheap for a eight course vegetarian dinner.... 200++ (oh did i mention that my parents are both vegetarians)

Sly is the best cos he only paid for the cake but that day he don seems to be feeling veri well.... (see lah, go chalet don sleep so dinner time cant tahan liao and he had veri bad headache...

Pics of some of the the dishes we ordered....

Me, my sis and my niece, Xrystal...

Mom And Dad

The Birthday Cake

So happy that the hols is here...
Yesterday is the first Sat since school reopened that i totally din nothing...
was sleeping and sleeping the whole day at mom's place...
Taught girl girl to read story book while YH went to polish the car with my dad and bro...
so shiok, no need to do anything...
This morning, manage to finish the movie "Twilight"... alot of my students are reading the book on it.. seems interesting.. cos it like fantasy with romance...
Maybe should start reading on the books.. hehehe..
went to my in laws house for lunch and then went for IT show.. too many people.. BB also buay tahan... so uncomfortable...
Luckily, YH manage to buy what he wanted.. a 24 inch LCD monitor... cost $399... still within the budget...
din get to buy the camera that i wan cos it out of stock.. so sad...
so tired..

I haven blog for like 2 months liao...

Times really flies so fast.... Maybe cos of my pregnancy, i am veri tired everyday... even on weekend as well....

It's realli a wonderful thing to have a little one inside you, kicking, turning....The feeling sometimes maybe terrible cos ur tummy is so stretch till it feel like it's bursting but it's always a relief for the mummy when u feel ur little one kicking everyday.... Now waiting for it's arrival in about 1.5 months times.. so exciting...

Initially, YH also don realli have much feeling as being a father, now able to feel the little one kicking, he is also looking forward to her arrival...

We went to the baby fair yesterday, veri KS, bought 4 pack of pampers... hahaha...BB not out yet already spending so much one her...

Nowadays i also have a craze for buying storybooks..

Saw on the net that someone is selling Dr Suess books (Set of 20) for $80. is like $4 per books. Hmmm... seems like a good deal...anyone interested can contact me to find out...

also went to Taka yesterday to buy present for my mom with YH and my sis.. Guess what we buy..

hahaha.. spent $1490 on LV handbag for her.. She has been working so hard and sis and i discussed that if we wan to buy we buy a good bag for her...Hm... but a super large large hole in my pocket liao...

School starts again....
Throughout the whole hols, have been packing and packing my house, i realised that i din enjoy it much and now sch starts...
Everyday, due to standing for a long time, my back is always aching... Argh..... so painful....

Luckily my form class is not so bad.... I probably have scared them during the 1st day in school..
The leaders in class are very fast workers. My monitress has almost collected from the whole class their health blookets and my treasurer has collected the required money within 3 days.
It really lessen alot of my load... A good thing that they are responsible and get the things done.
Guess i would have no worries when i ask them to do something....